I battled with my sleep doctor for almost a year over the fact that I did not want to take medications to control my sleep disorder. Even after Brent and I discussed with her my "taking care of the babies" years ago when Brent would wake me and bring me back to bed. Even when we explained the multiple incidents of me punching and kicking Brent as I tried to escape dangers in my dreams. I tried melatonin- but it didn't help completely. She explained the best way to keep me in bed, to keep myself and my husband safe while I was sleeping, was to take a particular medication that is proven to help this disorder. I said "no" and continued to do so after multiple sleep studies and anecdotal evidence that supported the diagnosis of REM Behavior Disorder.
Easiest way to explain this: people with this sleep disorder act out what they are dreaming. Most people's bodies go into a state of paralysis during REM sleep- it's a built in protection that keep our bodies from doing what are brains are dreaming about. A fellow REM Sleep Behavior Disorder sufferer went through the similar process of denial, danger, and eventual realization that he was not going to get better until he saw a sleep doctor, got himself healthy and took his meds. You can check out Mike Birbiglia's journey in his independent film Sleepwalk with Me or on his stand up album with the same title. Mike says it best:
"It was like one of those stories where people wake up after a hard night of drinking...but it was in my living room" [where he had crushed his TeeVo after climbing onto the furniture to celebrate his win in the Dustbuster Olympics- truth.]
Mike goes on to say "This was the first time I remember thinking 'well this seems dangerous, maybe I should see a doctor. And then I thought, maybe I'll eat dinner. I went with dinner. [...] Sleep walking is a terrifying experience because it's your body making a decision that is different from your conscious mind. Your conscious mind is like "we're going to rest for a few hours" and your body is like "let's go skiing!" I skipped ahead to a chapter on sleep disorders. And I find a disorder called REM Behavior Disorder where people have a dopamine deficiency- that's the chemical that's released in your brain into your body when you sleep so that you don't do what is in your brain. [...] I saw a doctor who specializes in sleep disorders. So now, when I go to bed at night, I take medication..."
So what happened to me this weekend? After a few odd circumstances that were out of the norm, I came into the long weekend without my medication. I made phone calls, went to urgent care, spoke to the on-call nurse. I was told that it was not an emergent need and that unless I was in danger of hurting myself or others, that it was not necessary to go to the ER. I felt beat up- this is the first time in my life of taking medication to mitigate my sleep disorder symptoms that I had ever dropped the ball on making sure that I had my medications. And, I was beginning to feel as though I was being treated by some of the medical staff as a junkie.
My literal brain went into that place of, "keep it together, Sara" and I started experiencing symptoms of my withdrawal from my meds on Sunday afternoon, in addition to not having good sleep for three nights. The withdrawals from this medication are legit and awful. I was clammy and had the shakes for two days and counting. My head was pounding. My sensitivities to light and sound were amplified. I quarantined myself to my bedroom to keep from showing how badly this was affecting me to my sweet son. He didn't need to see me at my worst. In moments that I couldn't control my body's jitters and shakes and muscle spasms.
But then, last night, he asked. And I could not withhold information from him. So, I told Jackson that Mama was having a hard time without my medications. That it is called withdrawal. And that it would not go away until I had my medication in my system. At the doctor's office and pharmacy multiple times, Jackson stated "Mommy's going through withdrawals from her medication." And, I winced every time. That shock and embarrassment of they're going to know ate away at me. But why? I hadn't done anything wrong. All I did was miscount my meds before a holiday weekend at a time that I believed I had more refills because for the past two years, I was able to have three refills per paper prescription. So, the routine got me. I wasn't aware that my prescription for traveling was only for one month. I also had bought a pill organizer so I would be able to make sure I knew if I took my meds or not. But, all of this caused a snowball affect that created a nightmare of an experience.
Yes, it is difficult to make the decision to take medications that cause my central nervous system to do what it should naturally do on its own. It's anguishing to know that I cannot respond to my son's cries for his parents in the middle of the night once my meds are onboard. It is something that I had to come to terms with as I grappled with the decision about future babies for our family- how would we handle me needing to take this medicine and needing to get up in the middle of the night to take care of a newborn? So, yes, it is a decision I make everyday. One that is not made lightly or on a whim. I have matured enough to know that for me to be the best me, the one that will fulfill all of my God-given abilities here on earth, I need to be well-rested. I need to not be injured because I jumped out of our bed to catch my purse as it floated away in the ocean. (Yup. That was a thing...) I need to be able to go to sleep knowing that I'm not medicating myself to be numb or to not feel or anything else. I'm doing it because it is what my body needs to be healthy. And safe. And at the end of the day, it is the best decision for me. And my family.
*Note: Shared with Jackson's permission after reading him the post.
Sara,
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good fight.
With love ,
M/M C